this hurts me more than it hurts you

had to scold Nacho for tinkering with the socket last night. he gave me a hurt look, tried to suppress his cry, paced, pounded his fist on the wall... and when the broken sobs came, i almost broke down myself. he hugged me from behind still crying... from the other side of the room Tats gloated "so ngayon naiintindihan mo na ang term na - this hurts me more than it hurts you?"

missing out

Nacho now takes off his own clothes, says "take a bath" when he wants one, looks up the night sky and cries out to the "moo!", dances sideways when he hears music and does many other things that surprise me. I thought i was going to be the one to teach and witness him learn everything... but as much as he is on top of my list, he's not the only one on it... in the same way that I'm not the only person in his life he can learn from

How do you keep the music playing?

it's a slow day in the office so i got to checking my long forgotten Friendster account and came across this photo of Tats and me when i surprised him with a small party on his 30th birthday... it's been almost 3 years ago and i don't think we've had another "kilig" photo since.


we got free movie tickets from our credit card company valid for two months and i had to give them away right before they expired. last week i joked to tats about us going out on a date..."why?", he asked.

we've only been married 5 years and already we're embarrassed to be affectionate with each other. over the daily grind, we've become effective partners and doting parents. but how do we bring back the lovers who talked for hours and felt proud to be with the hottest person on the planet?

the lowest moment of my married life was when i was waiting in the lobby to meet with a boss. a guy in his office lingered and i heard him ask the guard about me. i was glad he found me attractive, which i didn't feel anymore from the man who matters to me most. i left the building in tears.

i understand now that it takes a lot of effort to make marriages work. it's not enough to just let love take it's natural course - without paved roads, love may get lost and never be found

A Better Version of Me

A friend got 5 free tickets to "Splendide: The Grand National China Acrobatics Circus" and I was glad she chose me to one of her lucky recipients because the show was amazing! I made a mental note to watch such show with my boys maybe when Nacho is turns three or up so he can appreciate it more.

I thanked our sponsor profusely for the invitation and then she goes, "I'm glad you made it. I thought you wouldn't accept because you're now a mom". Quickly I replied, "Hey I just had a baby but I'm still the same person!"

As we 5 ladies dispersed, I could not help but think about the remark. She's right, I have been begging off from a lot of engagements since I got pregnant. The series of reasonings include:
- "I'm not very presentable right now"
- "I'm lactating"
- "I miss my son"
- "I don't have a yaya"
- "I'm really tired"

They're all valid reasons but eventually... there was hardly any invitation. I was feeling so depressed recently and the few people I could run to were unavailable - I realized then that there really are very "few" of them left.

This coming year, I have resolved to do a makeover of myself:
- I will be fitter and healthier, and will run even by myself
- even when I feel shitty inside, outside I will try to look my best
- I will drive when I can and commute when I can't
- I will read more (and expand my materials beyond food blogs)
- I will write more
- I will be a better friend to my friends and make new ones
- I will travel more

But I will not lose sight of the things I'm doing right... I will continue to be a hardworking entrepreneur, a prudent homemaker, an understanding wife and a doting mom.





-

The Papa Also Rises

Over a midnight snack of leftover pasta and iced tea, Tats told me how worried he felt about Nacho... particularly how he would fare around other kids.

We came from a rare get together with 3 of my bestest friends from college: Tams who has 2 kids, Mau who's a new mom and Ivy, a bride-to-be in two months. Nacho wreaked havoc in Mau's house, challenged Tams' maternal instincts and terrorized Ivy into wondering if she can handle the whole motherhood gig. He made no connection whatsoever with any of the other kids around.

Being the only grandkid from Tats' side of the family (where we deposit our son 2-4x/ week), Nacho is more used to playing with adults than with children. Previous encounters with older kids usually ended up with the bigger ones grabbing the toys and Nacho moving away to his own play area (usually the stairs). Tats explained to me how it breaks his heart to see our son get upended but also feels proud how he moves on unaffected.

My husband wants what we had with our respective siblings - primary happiness within the family circle that the rest becomes supplementary. He cites the protective shields of Ethan&Yaz, Lois&Carlos - it would be great for Nacho to have a brother or a sister but not yet anytime soon. Right now we want to fill him up with our undivided love until he has enough to share around.

Weaning and Losing

As a first-time mother, I occasionally try to pry myself from entertainment reading (fiction, food blogs and travel magazines) and take to child-rearing literature… apparently there are tons out there preying on a big market of insecure parents like me! No wonder parenting magazines command higher ad rates than the seemingly aggressive Playboy or Cosmo.

Out of all the information mish-mash, the one that struck me was about how “a parent should not control a child but should set a clear path so he doesn’t get lost”.

There are so many things my husband and I want for our son but first we need to narrow our list down to specific and achievable core values we want to develop in him and we identified; JUSTICE, which sums up how he should relate fairly to the people around him, and PRODUCTIVITY, because the good Lord intended for mankind to make full use of His gifts. I don’t have a blueprint for execution yet but what I am sure of is I have to have a strong sense of self first before I can set my son off to anything.

The opportunity for check and balance of “me” came in the form of some friends deciding to merge with two teams to be able to compete in the Camsur International Dragonboat Festival – it was the perfect opportunity to assess how I would fare away from the two most important men in my life.

At 14 months I still breastfed Nacho, the race was in two weeks and I had no intention of taking “dairy express” breaks so I decided that it was time to wean him. He’s fine with daytime formula feeding but evenings were “our” time so on the first attempt at independence he angrily pushed the bottle away and cried out in hunger. After two agonizing nights and four bottles of wasted milk, Nacho finally accepted his defeat and with it the formula I have learned to prepare in total darkness.

Lactation does not stop automatically so on the fourth night when I offered to feed Nacho to empty the tanks, a confused look crossed his face and he pushed me away, my eyes welled up… it was the most bitter success to an accomplished mission.

I know now that my son will have to break my heart with every step he takes towards becoming a man. So for him to grow strong… I have to be stronger.

DOING THE HEIDI: Going Back to Pre-Natal Me

I’m five feet tall and barely hit the 100lbs mark. I’m still not sure whose fault it was that I ballooned to 145lbs on my full term – was it the whole bunch of bananas and jar of Skippy Superchunk Peanut Butter I always had in my office drawer or my husband’s genetic pool, he at 5’9 is the shortest compared to his brothers. My friend and I were strolling in the mall when she bumped into an officemate who took one look at me and eagerly cooed, “Uuuuy twins?!” I was already 10 months pregnant and knew I wasn’t going to go into labor as the x-ray revealed my baby’s shoulders to be as wide as the opening in my pelvic bone so I called my OB to schedule a C-section the next day. Her team pulled out my 8.7lbs son just right before he pooped.

Breastfeeding was the immediate choice, apart from the proven benefits to infants, it is also supposed to contract the uterus much faster. But with a voracious boy who fed off me every two hours, I also got hungry very frequently and ate like a construction worker. In despair, I stared at my dark, loosely deflated tummy covered in stretch marks and realized why aesthetic clinics dominate expressway billboards. But then there’s Heidi Klum, she has four kids and the last time she gave birth, even managed to get on the Victoria Secret catwalk after eight weeks! Disregarding Heidi’s multimillion ability to employ a fitness team, and discounting the possibility that her incredible mix of beauty and brains might have sprung from an alien race of alpha females…I decided that if she can regain her pre-natal body then so can I!

Losing excess pounds wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be but moving out of my mother-in-law’s house into our own townhouse and having to fire the nanny was. I breastfed exclusively (no formula), cleaned the house, cooked our meals and did the laundry while setting up an events company with a friend. In 12 weeks I was down to 110lbs but very close to the end of my wits.

Salvation came in the form of a very able househelp/nanny. With her around, my husband and I were able to go back to dragonboat rowing – I was never athletic but I took to this sport three years ago as a form of release from office stress. Cardio endurance is essential so in my team, we were encouraged to take up running which I loathed. I joined several 5k fun runs, it was when I decided I was ready to advance to 10k that I found out I was already a month pregnant. Given my history of miscarriage, the OB advised me to stop all strenuous activity. More than a year of being home-based, getting back in training was a reality check on how out of shape I was, for most parts I was panting for breath and could not keep up with the team’s pace!

I already look like I did before I had a baby except for the slight belly, loose skin and stretch marks that may never go away without surgical intervention but apart from the aesthetics, I need to work on being truly physically healthy. When I can, I run around the park in front of our house. Last May, I did 5k in a running event and clocked in at 28:40.

Before my son turned last August, I promised to run my first 10k. Last July I joined “Run for Life” and clocked in at 1:06:45… it’s my way of introducing him to a mom who will be able to keep up with him and a multi-faceted woman who will keep herself always interested and interesting.

Who knows… maybe a full marathon might not be an impossible dream.